


Don't Let a Moose Lick

by MaxRev



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Gen, Misread signs, involves a moose in Canada, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:40:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27669680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaxRev/pseuds/MaxRev
Summary: I heard on the news a few days ago Canada had put up signs saying 'Don't let moose lick your car' because they're looking for the salt. Well, Niall Shepard didn't read the whole sign...
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko & Male Shepard
Comments: 8
Kudos: 8





	Don't Let a Moose Lick

“Kaidan, did ya see the message on the sign? All I read was ‘Dinnae let a moose lick…’ but not the rest. ”

"What sign? Where?” 

Figures he hadn't seen it. They were in Canada, so what was it one wasn’t supposed to let a moose lick? Niall’s mind went to all sorts of ideas with the thought. Shaking his head, he pushed those thoughts right away and settled down to watch the world fly by the window. The sign was gone along with the message and Kaidan hadn’t seen it anyway, so best to let it go. Canada...what a strange place to live where you didn’t let a moose lick...something. 

They were currently driving through the city of Vancouver towards the coast, headed out to take in some sights while on shore leave and Kaidan had insisted, along with the rest of the crew, Niall come along to take a break and relax, something he hadn’t done since boarding the Normandy on her maidan voyage. What a whirlwind life had been since then. All of the crew, from Garrus to Joker, and even Tali, suggested things for him to do -- get drunk, get laid, watch Fleet and Flotilla, or go ‘shoot shit.’ Grateful to them for thinking of his sanity and well-being, Niall nonetheless considered doing absolutely none of them. He’d simply smiled and thanked them for their thoughtfulness. By the look on Joker's face, Niall could tell he was disappointed. He'd probably hoped for a play by play if Niall did get laid. Foogin' bampot, he was.

Ah well, Niall'd been told, more than once, he was crabbit. Didnae matter to him. There wasn't time for idleness, playing tourist by going sightseeing or any of the other suggestions, interesting as a few sounded. He had too many things to do - paperwork to fill out, talking with the Council - or rather at them, as well as debriefing Anderson and Hackett on the Reapers. Oh, yeah, and Udina... 

Okay, maybe shore leave was better spent with some much needed away time. Far, far away from Udina. He hated the man and often wished it was he who'd punched him, the sleekit bastard, and not Anderson. Niall even daydreamed about the satisfaction of it sometimes. 

He also wasn’t happy about spending shore leave with a subordinate. Mixing work with play was a bad business, but Kaidan could be pretty persuasive - or insistent - when he wanted. Either way. It didn’t help the LT had the rest of their immediate Normandy circle on his side. He’d ended up barging, politely, into Niall’s personal cabin, threw whatever civvies he could find along with a few toiletries in his commander's ruck sack and herded him off the Normandy. Niall had overheard someone say the whole crew would be meeting up somewhere along the coast. 

For now, it was just the two of them. 

Glancing over at his LT, he noted how smooth and efficient he was at driving the skycar. No wild antics for him, just calm and steady. He'd probably even colored inside the lines as a kid. It was no wonder, then, why he hated when Niall drove the mako. Of course, all of them did. Especially Garrus when he was stuck fixing everything Niall destroyed.

Too damn bad. He loved adventure and with the mako, adventure came in the form of flying off cliffs, barrelling down steep inclines or skidding to a stop inches away from a building. It never got old, the crews’ reactions to his driving. 

He sighed, a mix of exasperation and impatience. Niall I like being a passenger.

"Everything okay, Commander?" 

"Yes, LT." A few seconds passed, "How much longer?"

Kaidan chuckled.

Another sign flashed overhead as they drove. ‘Don’t let the moose lick…’ 

"Now d'ya ken what the damn sign says?"

"Sorry, I didn't see it this time, either."

There Kaidan went again, apologizing. Said it was a Canadianism. Must be. No one else on the crew did it and he damn sure didn't. 

The sign bugged him. He hated unknowns and hadn’t caught the message this time or the last time either. He thought he’d seen ‘your c-’ at the end. The only thing his mind could come up with was...well, there were a few inappropriate words but he couldn't imagine the powers that be putting those on a sign for everyone to read. He laughed quietly. Maybe it was cat. Odd but when in Canada? Hell if he knew.

"Something funny?" Kaidan questioned from beside him.

"Nah, just a random thought." He wasn't about to elaborate on where his thoughts had gone and have his LT thinking he was some degenerate. 

What would a moose lick anyway? Some of his dad’s family had moved to Canada a million years ago, roughly, and so he’d paid a bit more attention in school when the subject came up. He knew what moose were, how large the animal was. 

But why for all that's holy would you have to worry about them licking something? Why was it an issue? And why a cat, if that's what it read. 

“Are moose abundant out here?” he asked in the silence. 

Kaidan glanced at him, expression unreadable. ”Yeah,” he answered, drawing the word out slowly, like he was wondering if Niall was having him on. 

“Okay. Then, why is it important for them not to lick...something specific?” This was ridiculous. It had to be a cat. Nothing else made sense. He looked over at Kaidan, the LT's eyes on the road. "Cat! Dinnae let them lick your cat!" 

Several seconds passed by and Kaidan didn't answer. So Niall rushed on as he faced forward, trying to fill the silence and not look like an idiot for having asked this stupid question in the first place and for figuring out the answer. “I mean, moose are big, at least from the pictures I saw as a lad in school and what my da told us. And cats are wee bitty things comparatively. So, it makes sense, then. They’d either trample the wee kitty or if they were to swipe it with their large tongue, the ball of fur would go flyin through the air and land yards away or some shite.” 

He stopped to take a breath. Still, nothing but silence from the driver’s seat. He risked a glance at Kaidan, trying to gauge his reaction. His shoulders were shaking and Niall finally realized Kaidan was laughing. 

“Are you...” he squinted, “are you laughin' at me?” He couldn’t believe his LT had the balls to make fun of him. Well, actually he did, because in their time on the Normandy, they’d become solid friends. Living in close quarters and having each other’s backs - saving each other's lives countless times - said a lot for who you worked with day in and day out, cemented a bond often stronger than family ties. 

“N-n-no,” Kaidan denied, struggling to speak between snickers. 

“Aye, Mr. Canada, go ahead. Laugh at the Scotsman flounderin' in unknown waters.” Niall crossed his arms in a huff, turning to stare out the window. 

“I’m sorry. Really," he placated when his commander continued pouting. "Hey, look!" He spoke excitedly but Niall wasn't buying it, refusing to turn his head. "Is that the message on the signs you were asking about?"

Finally turning to look, Niall squinted, trying to read the words before they disappeared again. “Yeah. So?” 

“Um, maybe read the whole thing?” 

“Are ya daft? I ha' been. Clearly, it says ‘Don’t let a moose lick your c--”

“Car!” Kaidan finished for him. 

It took a few seconds for Niall to process the change in wording in his head, so sure he’d been able to fill in the blanks. 

Just in time to catch the message before they drove underneath it and away, Niall gazed up again. Sure enough, Mr. Canada was right. 

“Don’t let a moose lick your car," he repeated. 

Well, there were other things he'd thought of. Nowhere in the vicinity of cat, though. 

But those other ideas also led his mind down a few paths better left untraveled. For now.


End file.
